Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The pursuit of happiness.

So I said in my previous blog that I would bring you all along this journey with me. I will be honest and say it has not been easy so far, and I know ive got a long way to go. I've tried 2 different anti depressants as well as ab anti anxiety medication... The side-effects were awful. I fell down the stairs a couple times because the first med gave me vertigo. The second made my depression much, much worse. I was thinking things about myself and my children that I pray I never think of again. It has been, and continues to be, a struggle for me to be happy.

You'd think it would be so simple right? Cheer up, just be happy. Well, it really is something that I am actively pursuing. Even my dreams are filled with depressing situations that I dread happening while concious. (another medicinal side effect) I have moments where I feel that this is all I ever get. This empty feeling of somber nothing inside of me. Then other times I feel my happiness is steps away and I just need to reach out for it, only to have depression yank me back the second I touch it.

I've heard from people close to me things like "depression is an excuse, it's made up and stupid." or "you're just being dramatic." Well, I can honestly say that is not true. I go between being sad and being numb. It's a war between me a depression to get out of bed, feed my children, even to feed myself. You can't imagine the pride I gave on the rare occasions that I finish a load of laundry AND do dishes in the same day. It may seem trivial, but those clean dishes and freshly laundered clothes are a battle won in this war I'm fighting.

I honestly don't know if I'd even be able to process these emotions if it weren't for James and the wonderful DPH women that reassure me constantly that I WILL overcome this- that one day I WILL be happy... Till then I'm on the pursuit of happiness.


  1. im sorry things have been cruddy for you. i know how hard dealing with depression can be, and its definitely not fun. i wish i had something worthwhile to offer.. i think all i can say is that i wonder if there are things that you feel like youre missing in your life. it might help to make a list and ask God to give them to you or help you achieve them one by one. i am a huge defender of the fact that depression stems from chemical imbalance (because i know what that feels like!!), but sometimes the chemical imbalance stems from something else that IS situational. i hope things get better soon. youre such a strong woman!

  2. I'm sorry to learn about what you are going through. You are strong, don't give up, things will soon fall in place. May god bless you with abundance of life and happiness.