Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The pursuit of happiness.

So I said in my previous blog that I would bring you all along this journey with me. I will be honest and say it has not been easy so far, and I know ive got a long way to go. I've tried 2 different anti depressants as well as ab anti anxiety medication... The side-effects were awful. I fell down the stairs a couple times because the first med gave me vertigo. The second made my depression much, much worse. I was thinking things about myself and my children that I pray I never think of again. It has been, and continues to be, a struggle for me to be happy.

You'd think it would be so simple right? Cheer up, just be happy. Well, it really is something that I am actively pursuing. Even my dreams are filled with depressing situations that I dread happening while concious. (another medicinal side effect) I have moments where I feel that this is all I ever get. This empty feeling of somber nothing inside of me. Then other times I feel my happiness is steps away and I just need to reach out for it, only to have depression yank me back the second I touch it.

I've heard from people close to me things like "depression is an excuse, it's made up and stupid." or "you're just being dramatic." Well, I can honestly say that is not true. I go between being sad and being numb. It's a war between me a depression to get out of bed, feed my children, even to feed myself. You can't imagine the pride I gave on the rare occasions that I finish a load of laundry AND do dishes in the same day. It may seem trivial, but those clean dishes and freshly laundered clothes are a battle won in this war I'm fighting.

I honestly don't know if I'd even be able to process these emotions if it weren't for James and the wonderful DPH women that reassure me constantly that I WILL overcome this- that one day I WILL be happy... Till then I'm on the pursuit of happiness.